SPONTANEITY - October 25, 2013 - Inspiration from Source: Spontaneity. I tried to write on another topic - but the voice in my head is persistent. If you can't WRITE on spontaneity, how in the world are you going to be spontaneous, Woman? Good point. So I will, in spontaneous reaction - explore spontaneity. 

I am a workaholic. Well. Used to be. I used to be a megalomaniac control-freak workaholic. It was good for getting business done. It was good for the bank account. It was good for everyone I said "yes" to. It was NOT good for my body, my love life, or my family. My eyes were firmly set on moving each step forwards - quickly, and with precision. I was determined to "get back on track" after I felt a soul damaging derailment in 1997 - and the only way to do it - was control IT. So I did. With color coded calendar precision - I locked everything in place. Looking forward - and not glancing back.

Trying to control the world around me, made me lose touch with the inner life - the me in the now, the dancing in grave-yards, singing in the rain, sex-loving (yes, I said it), confident being that I used to know without a doubt I was. She was buried under about 60 lbs of comfort foods and sleepless nights. She was bound, boxed and stored in the attic. So hard to find through high school and college - so quickly lost to sadness. 

I fell back on safety, trapped by calendar and self-manufactured stress - trapped by "duty" - trapped by the life I had created. I was aging so quickly that the calendar said 47 years, but the mirror said 60. I was standing on the edge of old age, when I should have been in the middle years. Damn...when I should have been flash dancing. I didn't even notice, because my ears were blocked, my body was numb and my eyes didn't see.

Then a miracle happened. I took a moment to listen inward and realized that I needed to make a change. A voice said, "I am still in here - free me!" An immediate, and spontaneous, explosion of joy needed to happen, or I was fast tracking to the bitter end. Schedule - the trap of control - was in control. And I was doomed. Then I took a deep, deep, cleansing breath and...BAM. 

My friends all have seen the change - my new, spirit loving, star dancing friends probably have no idea. Back in March, I started down a path of spirit - of listening inward and acting on the voices. I began to meditate again - something I had done with soulful intensity in my graduate school years. I began to listen to my body and eat only what it really asked for, not what my carb and sugar addictions begged me to provide. 

Spirit keeps telling me "empty the schedule, be ready for the adventure." I have been terrified...uhm...there's nothing on my calendar. There's nothing I'm "Supposed" to be doing. How will the bills be paid. How will the job get done. You know what's funny is - it keeps getting done and the bills keep getting paid and...I feel great. 

I began to walk, and dance, and sing again. I began to move through life - tasting each moment, rather than walking from scheduled moment to scheduled moment with a plan. I started walking up to strangers and introducing myself. I started to say, "I love you" again - and to not worry if you love me back. I let myself cry again...and you know what, that felt better than all the rest. And I started moving backwards in a really good way. I look in the mirror and I'm not sure I see 48...I sometimes think I see 40.

Lau Tzu said, "Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only causes sorrow..." 

Well I've had the sorrow. Now I'm ready for today. 

Bring it.

Namaste.